Help! My child won't pick up a pencil!

We all know the parents of the three year old child who can write. 
‘Yes,’ these parents say, ‘My child loves to write.  She can write her name and all of our names, and yes actually, she writes full sentences and has just written an entire book. In fact she is on the Best Seller list.’
It is enough to put anyone into a state of extreme depression. Your child refuses to even hold a pencil, let alone write with it. It is much more likely to go up their nose than onto a piece of paper.
They prefer to run around outside getting filthy, or to leave their Lego lying on the floor where you find a large chunk of it in that tender place between the toys. 
Quite frankly, you are in despair at your child picking up a pencil, let alone writing their name with it. 
Stop despairing.  There is no need. You see, children develop differently, and at different times of their life. Your child will start writing when he or she is ready.
However, you might be able to help them along a bit if you know a little more about the development involved in writing.   Let’s start at the very beginning.

The Very Beginning!

Tell me something. Can your child solve complicated equations or complete the Times Cryptic Crossword in under an hour? No, I didn't think so. The reason is, if I may be so bold, because he isn't yet ready. 

Children can't write until they are ready. If they are forced into writing early, not just against their wishes but against their entire physical and brain development, they will struggle. You'll get cross, they'll get cross and the 'writing' will be unsatisfactory to both parties concerned. 
Emergent writing, teacher jargon for the 'mark making' that is writing before a picture or letter becomes recognisable, will happen when a child's brain development has progressed in line with his writing muscles. 

Yes, writing muscles!  YOU try picking up an oar and writing with it. Pencils are big and cumbersome to a little person. Muscle has to be developed in all the right places for this complicated skill to be mastered. To do this your child will need to practise his gross motor skills.

Gross Motor Skills
What in heaven's name are these? 
Gross Motor skills are simply BIG movements that your child will use when they run, crawl, 
jump or throw. Learning to write starts with gross motor skills.  These build up core muscles. Core muscles build up smaller muscles. All these lovely muscles will grow stronger and stronger. And then, one day, your child will be able to write with an actual pencil. How come?  Because they are ready. When they have developed strong gross motor skills. You simply can’t do it the other way round; write first and then develop the muscle. 
But hold on, isn't that what we all make them do? Find a pencil and make them write with it? I certainly have!  They simply cannot do it! Their brains and bodies are not ready. They need to develop the writing muscles. 
How do we help them develop these muscles? 
We need to know a little bit about something called Bilateral Integration at this moment. Are you ready for this? I know, this sounds unutterably dull but bear with me for a moment. There are four different stages of bilateral integration.
Your child will need to go through each of these stages before he or she can write!

1) Symmetrical Bilateral Integration
You know when your child first learns to clap? They are doing a spot of symmetrical bilateral integration! That is, using both sides of the body like a mirror image. This is an important stage in their development. Babies need to do this before they can go to the next stage.
2) Reciprocal Bilateral Integration
This is where your child crawls, or walks, or climbs up the stairs. This time they are moving both sides of the body, but in opposite directions.  This stage works the brain in a totally different way; it is vital for later development.

3) Asymmetrical Bilateral Integration.
This is where it gets much more difficult! Now the body is actually doing a different activity on each side. Your child might hold a jar while opening it, or kick a ball with one foot while the other is on the ground, or put toothpaste on a toothbrush. See what's happening here? Your child’s brain is having to work out two movements at the same time.  A dominant hand is beginning to emerge.  Your child might prefer to use his left hand to do the action while the non-dominant hand has to keep still and stable, or the other way around.  A dominant hand emerging is necessary for your child to be able to do all these sorts of activities with increasing skill. Incidentally, a dominant hand is vital for certain brain activity.

4) Crossing the midline
The ‘midline’ is an imaginary line down your child’s body from the top of the head down to the toes, dividing one side of your brain from the other.  When your child does certain activities, they ‘cross the midline’ which is an instinctive reaching across the body to complete an activity.

As an adult you ‘cross the midline’ in just about every activity you do. Making a cup of tea means crossing the midline, as you most likely have to reach across your body to pick up the kettle or get the teabag out of the cupboard.  Even reading this book is crossing the midline. You don’t need to think about these actions; it becomes an automatic action.
     
 Your child will find this difficult to start with. (Think about doing up buttons).  They will need great deal of practice and encouragement. Why? Because crossing the midline is essential if you want your child to be ready for school.

If your child can cross the midline, one side of their brain can talk to the other. They will be able to read, write, dance and play sport. If they can't cross the midline, they'll have issues with reading, writing, dancing and playing sport.
‘Not crossing the midline makes a child feel disorganised and less confident.’  (Dr Jeger)
Your child needs to work out which is their ‘worker hand’ and which is their ‘helper hand’. If your child is reluctant to cross the midline, then they will take longer to decide which hand is which.   Now you can see that however good your child’s preschool is, it is very important indeed to give children plenty of practice of the following kinds of activities so that they have the very best chances at Primary school.

Buy some balloons, and let your child try and catch them; see if you can get the balloons to be in a place where your child needs to reach across her midline to get it.

Get a beach ball. Do the same thing!

Make your child walk their fingers right across the table from their left to their right; you can do this at tea time!

Get your child to walk like a monkey, snake, elephant, etc.

There is nothing like a sing-along.  Sing the song Hokey Cokey and do all the actions!

Get out some beads or baubles and do some threading.  You can use bigger ‘beads’ like buttons or wooden cotton reels.

Make some play dough, or go and buy some at the toy store.  Make balls by rolling it in your hands, and see if your child can do the same.  Have fun making figures and ‘cakes’.  Let your child have some scissors (with supervision).  They love to ‘cut’ the play dough and for any child who finds scissors tricky, this is a good place to start.

Get some big paintbrushes that you use to paint walls with; let your child ‘paint’ the wall with a bucket of water. Goes down a treat at preschool!

Dressing up is a brilliant way to ‘cross the midline’ as there are SO many skills involved in putting on a pirate outfit or trying on a hat, or trying on a belt.

Set up a little washing bowl and put your child’s dolls (or teddies) in it, so that they can wash the dolls, and dry them.

Put a train set out and let your child push the trains along the track.

Push toy trucks and cars along the floor, following a beautifully windy path made of tape.

Encourage lots of floor play: encourage your child to lean on one hand or elbow. Then you can place the toys or games on the side being leaned on which will make your child cross the line to reach those toys.

Have play sand; buckets and spades will encourage your child to pick up the sand and reach across.

Go Play!

Play is not frivolous. It is not a luxury. It is not something to fit in after completing all the normal stuff. Play is the important stuff. Play is a need, a drive, a brain-building must-do.'

(Jeff. A Johnson, Denita Dinger, Let Them Play)

Play is hard work indeed! From the moment a baby discovers her hands, or sees beyond her mother’s face, the work (play) truly begins. You see, about 200 weeks after your baby is born, they will start preschool. In the meantime, they will need to pack in a whole lot of learning: learning to eat, walk, talk, think, listen, understand and interact. In 200 weeks!  At the same time your child is establishing tens of millions of brain connections. Such a rate of learning is phenomenal and utterly unique to these early years.

Every action, thought or word of your child in these first three years will constitute as some sort of play. They can’t help themselves! Have you noticed how they make a game out of virtually everything? Do you remember the way they chucked that spoon over the side of the high chair when they were a baby, or had that irritating habit of slotting your credit card into the DVD, aged two? They were playing! This innate desire to learn is so powerful that it drives their behaviour each and every moment of their lives. 

Any type of play is valuable to your child in these early years. Children need to play alone, and play with other children. They need to take part in pretend play and constructive play; they need to go outside to play on their bike, or make a den in the garden. However, research shows that when we play with our children, something fundamental happens. This same research proves ‘beyond irrefutability’ that all of the ‘social’ times we have with our parents before the age of three will not be remembered, but will effectively ‘rule’ the way we relate to other people for the rest of our lives. Just think! The times we play with our children will literally change the chemistry of their brain by establishing the essential connections needed for the child’s future social and emotional skills. This isn’t the survival of the fittest. It is the survival of the loved.

Children crave time with us. Having a one to one time with a parent ticks all the boxes for a child. They will enjoy playing with a sibling or a friend, but there is something profoundly significant about playing with our parent. The benefits are endless. To start with, the relationship between parent and child builds and strengthens. As a result of this connection, the child feels important and special. Research shows that oxytocin levels (the happiness hormone) in both adult and child increase as they play together!

This all sounds very joyful and all, but what about the reality? What if we are just too tired to play with our child? What if you find playing with your child boring, or if it always seems to end in tears? What if we just don’t LIKE playing? There doesn’t seem to be a lot of point in ‘vroom vrooming’ a toy car around the carpet at 5.00 in the morning, or pretending to be a piggy as your child plays with her farm animals. Snort, snort. 

There are no secret formulas here, no special words or magic recipes. But it is very simple. All that your child needs is your time.

I would suggest that you give all of your attention for fifteen minutes or half an hour at a time. Listen hard, follow your child’s play, and give 100% of your attention. Enter their ‘zone’.  You will discover that nothing particularly exciting or profound will happen; you won’t ‘achieve’ anything much. Your attention may wander as you remember the washing is getting wet out on the line, or the dog is whining at the door. Ignore everything. Eyeball your child, listen with the concentration you’d use in a board meeting, and smile at all his corny jokes. Because the miracle is happening inside your child’s brain. Connections are being made, needs are being met, and happiness is being grown!

Your child will not necessarily appreciate your spotless kitchen counters. He won’t reminisce about the fancy fish cakes you made for his tea, or the Oshkosh top he wore on his third birthday. But he WILL appreciate the lasting legacy of your shared play; a legacy of self-esteem, confidence, happiness and success.

It's a small price to pay for such massive dividends.
Happy vroom vrooming!